Stuff I found funny

Movies

1. black hawk down - ibong maitim sa ibaba2. dead man's chest - dodo ng patay
3. i know what you did last summer - uyy... aminin!
4. love, actually - sa totoo lang, pag-ibig
5. million dollar baby - 50 million pisong sanggol (it depends on the exchange rate of the country)
6. the blair witch project - ang proyekto ng bruhang si blair
7. mary poppins - si mariang may putok
8. snakes on a plane - nag-ahasan sa ere
9. the postman always rings twice - ang kartero kapag dumutdot laging dalawang beses
10. sum of all fears - takot mo, takot ko, takot nating lahat
11. swordfish - talakitok
12. pretty woman - ganda ng a mo
13. robin hood, men in tights - si robin hood at ang mga felix bakat
14. four weddings and a funeral - kahit 4 na beses ka pang magpakasal, mamamatay ka rin
15. the good, the bad and the ugly - ako, ikaw, kayong lahat
16. harry potter and the sorcerer's stone - adik si harry, tumira ng shabu
17. click - isang pindot ka lang
18. brokeback mountain - may nawasak sa likod ng bundok ng tralala /bumigay sa bundok
19. the day of the dead - ayaw tumayo (ng mga patay)
20. waterworld - basang-basa
21. there's something about mary - may kwan sa ano ni maria
22. employee of the month - ang sipsip
23. resident evil - ang biyenan
24. kill bill - kilitiin sa bilbil
25. the grudge - lintik lang ang walang ganti
26. nightmare before christmas - binangungot sa noche buena
27. never been kissed - pangit kasi
28. gone in 60 seconds - 1 round, tulog
29. the fast and the furious - ang bitin, galit
30. too fast, too furious - kapag sobrang bitin, sobrang galit
31. dude, where's my car - dong, anong level ulit tayo nag-park?
32. beauty and the beast - ang asawa ko at ang nanay nya
33. the lord of the rings - ang alahero

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How to Deliver a Bad News

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw...."Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sabahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"
Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?"
Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ngbulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat silasa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isangnakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat angapoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Parasaan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?"
Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi,walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binarilko."

GANDANG ARAW!!!

Stupid Random Fruit Metaphors

This is the third consecutive weekend that I didn't go out to party or watch a movie or whatever our generation usually does. That's because I'm trying to save some money for that effing Nokia N91 brick phone that you either love or hate--like durian. To buffer my wallet a bit, I'll sell my rusty old 3100 because somewhere in Metro Manila is a sari-sari store that is in dire need of a pasaload phone. I hope my old phone will serve its new master well. My 3100 was very moody and will refuse to work when stressed, especially when I'm wearing one of my pocket-less basketball shorts and my phone had no choice but to be carried around by the garter of my underpants. My cellphone will have a new owner next week, after I buy the durian phone on Wednesday.

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September has been a good month for me at work. I've been getting pats on the back for a stellar job. But I wish my paycheck was more cosmic and less ectoplasmic. This is now the last week of the month and I'm pressured to put a cherry on top of it. If not, at least I'll be getting durian nonetheless.

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Oh I just had to write this down so I wouldn't forget. When in Greenbelt, and itching for a margarita or a daiquiri, go to Massas in Greenbelt 2. The pitcher of these cocktails cost P250. One glass in Absinthe costs the same. They got strawberry margarita, mango daiquiri (they call it a different name but it tastes like a daiquiri to me) and some other fruit flavors. Ewan ko lang kung may durian.

If Titless is a Word

(Title-less like untitled, not Tit-less like Nicole Richie)

I do not keep a photo album. Hindi uso sa amin yun (unfortunately) so I just finished skimming through my blog just to remind myself that I’m still a person. Then there it was—or there it wasn’t—any entry for August.

Let me start with the silliest: I just saw an episode of MTV’s “My Own” which is basically a dating game wherein the searcher and searchees are all fans of one artist. This particular episode I saw 5 minutes ago was the Shakira episode. So the females were all trying to beat everyone else to who is the most Shakira and the guy who's obsessed with Shakira searches for who knows and resembles her most; after the show they would all live happily ever after in creepy land where they'd indulge in their common obsession. Can any other show cradle any more freakiness? I saw the Beyonce episode a couple of weeks back and I thought it was amusing and tad pathetic at moments. The second one gets really creepy I tell you. I pray that this show does not get so successful that the Philippines (as usual) would find it lucrative enough to copy. I am not willing to watch 6 Piolo wannabes battle it out for a girl who could only settle for what the universe is willing to provide her. Oh wait a minute, I think that would be the new guilty pleasure, don’t you think?

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I took a leave from work so I could take the second leg of the foreign service exams that my clan wanted me to take so badly for 10 million reasons. Of course I wanted to pass the exams also but since I had 2 bar examinees as seatmates and majority of the 150 examiners looked awfully smart (and a lot of them used oversized plaid shirts and ultra-pleated trousers to announce that), I had to feign nonchalance. I had to look like the slacker who couldn’t care less to hide my insecurity…IQ is an abstract noun but these people gave it a body. I had to be the token smart ass for my survival. Which reminds me, I’ve been doing a lot of that in college, and I survived with some decent grades. I wonder if that will work this time.

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I applied for a lateral position at JP Morgan Chase’s research department which will obviously not give me any bigger income because it is purely horizontal. I am getting the least salary there, given that I’m a fresh grad with no experience. I was living fine with that fact until august 22 when everyone else’s sweldo increased due to salary readjustments. And only me and one friend remained as a guppy (remember the movie Shark Tale where Will Smith voiced the guppy fish that was at the bottom of the ocean hierarchy because it was their job to sweep shit?). But I got over that already. I wish I earned more so I can save enough money already to get a new phone. I am projecting a Nokia N91 by mid-October. I am glad I am finally getting paid for that small design job back in July. Otherwise I won’t get to buy one until Christmas.

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Ian Millare, my band mate and good friend, is now an Akafella. I am very excited for this mofo. I’m supposed to be watching their gig today at Bagaberde but I decided to just stay home nalang and have a quiet Saturday. Next time na ang suporta sa mga kantatero.

Tour Guide

As usual, I’m still busy with a full-time work, a part-time freelance work and studying. I passed the first part of the foreign service officer exams (the easier but hella stressful test) so I’ve gotta bring Time and Newsweek to work to read thru it during idle moments. The problem is, I read these magazines mostly for the shorter anecdotes and abundant captions starting at the last page then it gets more boring as I flip the pages towards the front cover. I need to study the issues and their underlying concepts that have utmost relevance to the world—in other words, the boring part, swathed with photos of ugly politicians all chunky. Ugh!

Such anxiety usually lights up a fire under my butt to unwind with friends during weekends, wherever the wind may take us. But my social life is on a month-long hiatus so I can have more time for the extended family. My cousins from Dublin are on a vacation in the Philippines to be part of my Lola’s first death anniversary and I’m here to be with them as Manila’s tour guide, bringing them to as many gorgeous and fun place as possible. I love the free food and the free shopping that goes along with it. Thus, I don’t want them to go yet…

Thank goodness for these relatives, I was able to get my much-needed exercise, composed of plenty of walking to wherever the fun is, some bowling and a few other sports. They’ve also provided my house with plenty of annoying, but mostly endearing, noise. My relatives are bananas, talk a lot, laugh a lot, and watch television in the room as I sleep. I am thus a little deprived with my rest, but my stomach is hella satisfied with all the eating that we do.

Health’s 3 components are Food, Movies and Booze

I haven’t had a night-out in the city for quite a few weeks now until last night. I started the evening eating with mum and bro at Ten, a pretty good Asian fusion restaurant managed by bro’s girlfriend. We all had phad thai and four seasons and we were all too full to eat the pastries we bought for dessert. Then little VIP me had to be dropped off at Glorietta 4 to meet Mar and Ade at Timezone before buying tickets for Tokyo Drift. And eek. The only available seats for the movie were the 6 seats right smack in front of the screen and so we just opted to watch the Inside Man instead. It would be a waste of a good Tokyo Drift kung mahihilo lang kami.

The Inside Man was quite a challenging movie to watch—there was a lot of intimate tension, mind-bending situations and conspiracy chuva (notice how “chuva” gets to fill in that vocabulary gap, how wonderful. But I shall never use that word again in a month and a half.). It’s a movie that requires a decent IQ to be enjoyed; thank goodness I’ve enjoyed it, but I dunno if it’s because of IQ or because the most enjoyable lines that stuck with the three of us were uttered to the character of Jodie Foster: “You are a magnificent cunt.”

Backtrack, while I was on my way to G4, I texted Martha to ask what we’d do when we would meet up. She said it’d be a movie, then Starbucks. Wah Starbucks na naman eh pang-breakfast yun tapos gagawing last stop agad ng gimik, hindi maari. I texted back and told her that we should be spending our frapp-and-cheesecake money for cocktails instead. So after the movie, we drove a bit to Greenbelt then shopped around for a bar to settle in. Icebar looked depressing; Nuvo and Mezze crowd was filled with people who were in their late 30’s; Temple was packed like a frotteur’s paradise (as usual) and the whole strip of Greenbelt 2’s al fresco was more furnace-like than presko. So we found our way to Absinthe and it was the perfect place to put our groove on in the middle of margaritas, long islands and the World Cup.

Kinabukasan, masakit na ang katawan ko dahil wala akong exercise at naubusan pa ako ng boses. But overall, that was a healthy.

All in a Day's Work

Today was flustering and exasperating. These are the times when you really get to ponder on the etymology of the word "mortgage." It comes from Latin mortir or death, because mortgage is basically killing off the debt. And a while ago, I just about died.

Warning: the following paragraph is for personal venting only. This one ain't for you. You'll get bored.

I was handling a home equity accelerator account paid once a month and not on a bi-weekly or so basis which works by adding 1/12 of the monthly mortgage to the rest of the payment, allowing the client to earn equity much faster. Such service requires other fees unknown to us but is the main concern of the paymap department. The problem has been forwarded to me from the paymap department because they said that the increase in monthly payment is due to the shortages in the client's escrow as a result of insufficient funds collected at the loan's closing vis-a-vis the actual amount needed in escrow due to increases in county taxes and hazard insurance. FINE!!! Yeah, it's given that the escrow analysis generated on the 5th of May will take effect on the first of July. So what!?!? It still does not explain the discrepancy between the actual amount that our end requires of the client and the amount that the equity accelerator department is actually drafting from the mortgagor's account. They got the WRONG amount to compute the acceleration to begin with! And they have the decency to forward this problem to me?? So I called their office and asked them to recalculate the withdrawal using the correct information from my end, correct because I had the copy of the annual escrow disclosure statement right in front of me. They should be basing the acceleration at $906.10 every month, not some $980.00, an amount which may have only materialized from water vapor. Fuckers. They put me on hold for 30 minutes while recalculating while I got the mortgagor on the other line. And then they hung up on me. Then I lost the mortgagor too! Dammit. So I got my big burly caucasian supervisor coach me about the whole thing, and gave exhausted little me the task to fix it by calling the paymap department to recalculate once more. Unfortunately, for some odd reason, they tell me that I am unauthorized to do so! But I just did, a few minutes ago, if only the line wasn't cut. And I had to contact the mortgagor too.. Thank goodness it was the answering machine that I caught.

I am being challenged and I'm liking it so far. Hehehe.

Buti nalang may libreng pizza kanina, tapos binigay pa sakin ung dalawang pesto ng female officemates ko na mahina kumain. Nakalibre pa ako. Later at around 1130am, right before sleeping, I'll be eating yummy chicken in salsa blanca. This makes everything all bettah :D

22

I just turned 22 and it wasn't so bad at all.

It was actually a pretty good birthday. I spent the eve in that resthouse in Lipa where my barkada would usually be in during summers to relax in good company. The next day, we had sumptuous pancit c/o Tita Andee, my friend Martha's mum. It was one of the best pancits ever, coupled with pretty darn good inihaw na liempo. I got surprised with a butterscotch cake too, the kind with a lit candle on top. Gosh I don't even remember the last time I blew the candle of my birthday cake, I was probably still just a lump of incomplete flesh when I did. I don't even remember what I wished for because I was a little overwhelmed. Hmmm...I dunno if I was wishing or thanking before I blew that candle.

Then I came back to Manila, heard mass and listened to my mom read passages from Deuteronomy and lead the responsorial psalm, then came home to my family and had a nice dinner. It wasn't a big deal, but it definitely sealed the birthday with a kiss.


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I found a new found love for Grey's Anatomy because we basically had a dvd marathon of that series during our stay in Lipa. I hate the fact that our cable doesn't provide Star World. I must then buy the dvds.